Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor? The following are
reported accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers
from
around the world:

-----
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7;
did
you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635,
cleared
for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified
our caterers."
-----
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made
a

wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground
controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air
2771,

where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you
turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell
the

difference between C's and D's but get it right." Continuing her lashing to 
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've
screwed
everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there
and

don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi
instructions

in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air  771??" The humbled crew 
responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one
wanted
to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in
every

cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her
admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence
and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
-----
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to
make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between

aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a
beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
-----
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn
right
at the end, if able. If not able, take the  Guadeloupe exit off of Highway
101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
-----
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.? KC 
Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock
and

three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC
Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock
and

three miles.  Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (long pause and then in
a

thick southern drawl): "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite
tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
-----
>From unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!". Air Traffic Control: "Last
aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!" Unknown Aircraft:
"I

said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
-----
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to
say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
-----
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.?
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get 
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
we
(a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after
landing.

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway." Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!" The big 
British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.?
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206:
"Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground
(with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to
Frankfurt before?!?" Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In
another
type of Boeing. I didn't stop."
-----